


Command Track Senior Seminar

by rabidchild67



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Academy Era, Dialogue-Only, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-05
Updated: 2013-12-05
Packaged: 2018-01-03 13:47:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1071165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rabidchild67/pseuds/rabidchild67
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The lectures for Captain Pike’s advanced command track seminar are very comprehensive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Command Track Senior Seminar

_“Captain Pike? Your 4:00 appointment is here.”_

“Last one of the day, Sully?”

_”Yes sir.”_

“Send ‘im in.”

“Sir.”

“Good afternoon, Cadet Kirk. Have a seat, son. What brings you to my office hours today?”

“Well, sir, I had the opportunity to review the syllabus for ‘Command Track Senior Seminar’ next semester, and I had a few questions.”

“I think you mean you hacked into the courseware database and had yourself a sneak peek, don’t you cadet?”

“Next to the Kobayashi Maru, it’s one of the bigger mysteries of the curriculum, sir.”

“I’ll let it slide since I’m always happy to answer questions about my own classes, cadet. Fire at will.”

“Ha-ha, sure. Um… says here we spend an entire week on ‘Exo-Consensual Corporal Factors.’”

“Yes?”

“What’s that mean, exactly?”

“Well, you know, you run into some mighty strange occurrences out in the black, Kirk; creatures sentient and otherwise who have, shall we say, differing ideas from ours regarding personal space.”

“Sir?”

“You know, tentacle monsters and such. We just want to be sure you know how to spot them, that you’re mentally and physically prepared – not all o‘ those tentacles are self-lubricating.”

“Uh…”

“Then there’s the sex pollen to deal with – hell if we can ever get the officers who’ve encountered it to report the planets where they find the dang stuff. So help me God, it’s like they _want_ that shit to happen. Anyway, you’ll want to know how to recognize the early warning signs.”

“Of course.”

“Anything else?”

“A lot, sir. What’s this – ‘Post-Transporter Malfunction Stressors’? I dunno, sir, that sounds kinda weird – shouldn’t the engineering track students be dealing with those?”

“You’d think so, but then you’d be an idiot, Kirk...”

“Yes sir.”

“…I mean, when your XO beams on board and _he’s_ suddenly a _she_ \- and looking mighty attractive in that female officers’ uni, I might add - then your own personal sanity will thank me. Anything else?”

“'Coping Mechanisms for Multiverse Transpersonal Crises?'”

“When you unexpectedly find yourself in another plane of existence where your counterpart’s some kind of depraved, sadistic sociopath with a pain kink, you’ll thank your lucky stars for that. Next?”

“’Advanced Strategies for Negotiating with Quasi-Omnipotent Sentients?’”

“Skip that one at your own peril, son, or don’t come crying to me when you find your ship running into some giant, cosmic hand.”

“These things happen often?”

“You must be prepared, cadet – shit gets real faster ‘n a Vulcan can raise an eyebrow, and it’s the prepared starship captain that gets his crew out of it safely. You think I’m teaching this course for my own damn good?”

“No, sir. Of course not, sir. Ummm…”

“You get one more question, cadet – I’m late for drinks with Admiral Archer.”

“’Methods for the Diplomatic Avoidance of Intergalactic Sex Scandals?’”

“You will not be the first captain to be hit on by horny alien princesses, nor the last, Kirk.”

“Horny alien princesses? Are there any practicals for that one, sir?”

“Don’t be a smartass, kid. Besides, it’s not always as you may think – Gorn females are very partial to mammalian bipeds, and are particularly _keen_ if you know what I mean.”

“I’m sure I do, but I mean it can’t be all that bad?”

“They have _teeth_ in their _hoo-haws_.”

“Oh. Ouch?”

“You don’t know the half of it. Now get outta here, you’re dismissed.”

\----

Thank you for your time.

**Author's Note:**

> You can also find me on Tumblr @rabidchild67, I hope you'll consider following me there.


End file.
